On Community

How becoming a parent and writing on Substack has changed my approach

Jan 18, 2026

This week, I was listening to NPR while making dinner and amidst the bad news, I heard Priya Parker talking about her book, The Art of Gathering, and about how we all want community but no one wants to build it. It was part of a longer Life Kit podcast, How to Build a Village. It seems like there’s been a lot of conversation online lately about millennial traits and I’m pretty sure one of the more universal ones is our collective complaining about how hard it is to make friends.

I think a lot about how the way I grew up shaped me. I lived on a dirt road in Pennsylvania with eight houses. My cousins lived next door, and we knew every other family well. My mother talks about sending me outside to play with my older brother and the other kids in the neighborhood when I was two or three. For me, it was normal to walk into my neighbors’ homes, to ask if they had any Kool-aid or pretzel sticks. We took turns taking care of pets while families were away. When my parents were working and I got sick at school, neighbors would pick me up and let me watch cartoons on their couch until my mom came home.

My parents still show up for people in a way I admire. My dad will notice someone on his street cutting down a tree and walk over with his chainsaw and an offer to help. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas, we tease him about the volume of calls he makes — even as he’s preparing a dinner, he will take an hour to call his siblings and cousins to check in. My mom has stepped in to help care for friends and neighbors on hospice. She sends care packages and cards. They are generous with their time and their skills.

I’m not sure I realized I was missing community until I became a parent myself. For me, having babies has been isolating. A combination of anxiety, exhaustion, and introverted tendencies means I’m not naturally someone to reach out to people during times of stress, even when I’m feeling incredibly lonely. Writing on Substack has been a game changing experience for me in pursuit of community, both online and off. It’s helped me to reflect on all the ways I haven’t shown up for myself and for others. Below, all my most intrusive thoughts about trying to make friends and be a better friend, and how I’m pushing past them.

I’m boring, annoying, and generally uncool.

You are 37, grow up.
(Alt: not everyone is for everyone, you are a nice person, being this self-conscious is a little boring)

Is everyone hanging out without me?

Maybe. And also, maybe it’s none of my business. I’ve felt left out at preschool party when I realized I wasn’t invited to another event. And I think it’s easy to see a bubble of Substack writers and assume that there’s no space for anyone new. But I’ve been so grateful that I’ve found some genuine connections here, after I finally got over my own sense of cringe. Sending a DM or a text is not the scariest thing in the world. Online and offline, I’ve found myself reaching out more and feeling less awkward if it’s not reciprocated.

They probably already have friends and family to hang with and help out.

Recently the mom of one of my daughter’s friends was texting me about a summer camp we’re both looking at for a week in July. The hours don’t really work for her - camp gets out at 2:45, which isn’t really conducive to her work schedule. But I’m mostly off in the summer, so I offered to let our kids play together until she gets out of the office. Being generous with my time is sometimes the best currency I have, and a big part of why I chose my career is so I could be available in the summer.

My house isn’t nice enough to have people over.

My daughter has been asking for playdates lately but we don’t really know most of the families in her kindergarten class. This week we invited all of the girls in her class to a Galentine’s brunch at our house. I’ve sometimes avoided hosting at our house because I’ve felt self-conscious about all the projects we’re still in the midst of. But five year olds don’t care that I haven’t finished painting the trim in my living room, or that we still have linoleum from the 70s in our bathroom. Im pretty sure as long as we have donuts and a KPDH freeze dance, we’ll get high marks.

I barely have time to see my closest friends.

Yes and this season of life means I need to also prioritize what’s best for my family. Most of my friends from my hometown and college live an hour’s drive (or a plane ride) away. I try to see them as often as I can. But I want my kids to have some semblance of community where we live, and that means building it where we are. I think it’ll be worth it.

Other things that have been worth it, lately

Having a few uniforms for when there’s limited time or energy
Listening to old half marathon playlists on the way to work after the baby spits up in your hair at 4am
Mocktails
Tidying up in the evening
Snuggling the baby after he falls asleep
Community yoga classes, even at bedtime
Keeping a basket of stickers in the office to hand out on hard days
Wearing actual water resistant boots (read: not Uggs) when it snows