I went back and forth a few times about whether or not to post this — it’s not the Mom Camp vibe I’d planned. I’ve wanted our summer to feel breezy and fun and light, and for the most part, it has been. But that hasn’t been this week at all. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt genuine anxiety about sending a post out. And I know everyone might not agree with me on this one. But I hope there’s common ground in recognizing that there is so much room to improve how we address the physical and mental well-being of women.
A few notes: I address perinatal mental health struggles in this post, so please read with care, and skip if you’re not in a place for that right now. Also, I reference my training as a counselor but it’s important to note that I am not your counselor. Nothing I write on Substack is medical or clinical advice. Lastly, if you are struggling with your mental health, please call or text 988 to get connected with support.
Most Mondays in the summer are a long SAHM day for me. My husband runs with his cross country team before going into the office for the day, so I’m usually on my own with both kids from 7:30 AM - 5:30 PM. My usual approach to parenting is to get outside for as much as the day allows, especially on days when I’m solo. We all seem to breathe a little easier when we’ve taken a walk, seen some flowers, said hello to the baristas at a local coffee shop. Bonus points if we can stop at the library or get a good splash in at the pool. This past Monday brought a batch of thunderstorms that kept us locked inside the house for the entire day. We managed — Sesame Street in the morning, all the art projects for my daughter,1 lunch by 11am (oof). But the day felt so long and the baby was so fussy2 and by the time my husband walked in the door, I had to go sit quietly in our bedroom for 20 minutes before I could even have a conversation.
I’ve felt a lot of guilt lately when I admit to people that we send my son to daycare three days a week in the summer. The reality is, we do need to pay for childcare. My husband works 2-3 days per week and I work 1-2 days most weeks, and it’s not always possible to stagger them. Plus, my lived experience is that a big break from daycare at this age can cause some rough transitions when we head back into the school year. Still, it feels weird to acknowledge that I need to pay for help when we’re technically “off” for the summer.
It’s also been hard for me to admit that I feel talked and touched out a lot of the time. My daughter is at the age where her whole world is opening up, and she’s eager to tell me everything. Her curiosity is endless and I answer 18 questions before I’ve brushed my teeth in the morning. My son is currently content only if he’s being held and/or being fed a bottomless bowl of fruit. The only word and sign he knows is “more” and he uses it liberally. He cries to be held by someone most nights around 10 PM. They are perfect, and I am exhausted. I can see how far we’ve grown from last year, and I’m proud of how hard I’ve worked on taking care of myself so I can be the parent I want to be. But I often feel like I’m not a great mom, simply because I am so often wiped out.3
I think all of this, for me, has been compounded over the past few weeks by seeing coverage of the Lindsay Clancy case. I’ve written before about how I experienced moderate PMADs symptoms during both of my pregnancies and postpartum periods. This week I learned that I own two of the books that were found in the Clancy home, books that I purchased at the recommendation of my therapist when I was desperate to feel better — for myself and for my kids.4
All I keep thinking about is how I am a counselor who is married to a counselor. My mother is a nurse and we talk every day. During my pregnancies, I saw a therapist who specialized in perinatal mental health and I have a good relationship with my OB, who has always listened and believed me. And I still struggled to articulate to anyone in my support team how scared I was at my lowest point of PPD. It then took me months to get an appointment with a provider who specialized in perinatal psychiatric care. If that was the case for me, with every resource and support at my fingertips, with all of the knowledge and access I possess — what is it like for most women? Especially those who are systemically ignored by a structure that fails women (especially women of color) over and over and over again. Someone’s scream for help might sound more like a whisper, and we need to pay attention.
My hope is that the conversation around the need for more support for perinatal mental health continues. My son is 14 months old and my body is still finding its equilibrium. I had six months of maternity leave and it was still incredibly hard to return to work as if nothing had happened. I have significantly more training in identifying concerning symptoms of anxiety and depression than most, and it was still hard to name it while I was in it. And, as I tell my students often, healing isn’t linear.
Resources
Postpartum Support International
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline
Policy Center for Maternal Mental Health
I’ll be back next week, with more Mom Camp updates. I’m grateful for this community, and for the time you take to read and engage here. In the meantime, here’s some things I read and loved this week.
Powerful and At Peace wrote about what it’s like to be two years sober | Stephanie Johnson is pregnant! and going to look cute as hell this fall | Annaliese Godderz on the importance of our relationships with friends without kids | My Sephora wishlist is always a mile long after Allison writes another post in her Everything but the Bathroom Sink series | Libby McCurrach helped me fill my library holds list this week | a Jayme Cyk x Ariane Anusbigian post on learning to value our bodies for how they carry us | Molly Sparks Sailors wrote a piece I wish I’d been able to read when I was pregnant | I love seeing skincare routines, and especially this one from Jaymee Geelan
I’m so grateful that you’re here. If you liked this post, here are some ways you can support my writing.
Subscribe to Immensely Dramatic. I send out posts once a week, usually on Saturdays. We talk about it all here — motherhood, mental health, getting dressed, what to read/watch/listen to. I recently turned on paid subscriptions — all posts will remain free for two months. A paid subscription helps me to buy a coffee while I write and supports the effort it takes to put together these posts.
Like, share, or leave a comment. These posts are a labor of love that I write in between working, parenting, and all the other little things. I know your time is valuable, too, so I appreciate the time it takes to read and respond. Each comment, like, and restack means a lot to me.
Buy me a coffee. I love to write from a coffee shop whenever I can, and I’d be eternally grateful if you feel like sponsoring my next latte.
Follow me on Instagram — I’m sharing a bit more there now, come hang.
XO, T
Some housekeeping
I’ve disabled AI detection for now, because I’ve not yet learned enough about it and how it will absorb our work — but I hope you trust that everything here was written personally by me. I think AI has its place, but my Substack isn’t it.
I save craft kits she gets as gifts in a rainy day box. We went through three on Monday 😬
I can’t figure out if I forgot or if it’s just started much earlier this time, but the toddler tantrums have arrived and they are rough.
I think this is a universal experience and as I usually tell parents I work with — if you’re worried about it, you’re probably doing a lot better than you think
So glad you hit publish on this one. The messy, hard parts of Mom Camp deserve space, too, dammit! This really hit home. I struggled with PPD after my first and spent so much of that time insisting I was “fine.” I didn’t realize how far underwater I’d been until I was finally above water again. There’s so much power in saying this part out loud. Thank you for doing it!
Tough topic but so glad you addressed it. I had a similar experience with my son where it took months for someone to say “I think you might be depressed?” Your daughter looks around the same age as my son (he’s a bit younger), and I do think COVID made it all a million times harder.
And thank you so much for the shout out!! 🤍🤍🤍